[Sex and Sensibilities] Dear good men, this is not a moment for your silence

A sexist comment rarely lands in an empty room. It is meant to be heard to humiliate, shame, or silence a woman. 

It usually lands in a room dominated by men. Like it did during a congressional hearing when Quezon City congressman Bong Suntay made a remark about Anne Curtis that had nothing to do with public policy, governance, or the matter being discussed.

Some laughed. Some awkwardly squirmed. And, still, some looked away and said nothing.

The cycle of sexism and misogyny

By now, we are familiar with this cycle. When a woman is made a target of misogyny, the perpetrator will defend himself. He will downplay his actions, saying it was just a joke — or, as Suntay claims, a fantasy. He will attempt to laugh it off. He will apologize. He will offer excuses. 

Concerned women will rise up, armed with statements of condemnation. They will post line-by-line explanations of why it was wrong, detailing both the inflicted and potential harm. 

The cycle will repeat itself when the next act of misogyny surfaces, licking its lips. 

I am writing this for the good men. The ones who believe themselves to be decent. The ones who claim they would never say something like that about a woman. The ones who see themselves as good men because they have sisters, mothers, wives who they would never want to be disrespected like that. 

This is not a moment for your silence. 

Because moments like this are not actually about the man with the bold display of misogyny. They are about the silence of good men that allows misogyny to echo.

A misogynistic comment rarely lands in an empty room, and it rarely stays there either.

It is repeated in rooms where men joke about women’s bodies and what they want to do with them. It is posted in group chats where someone adds a crude comment, and everyone reacts with laughing emojis. In barkada conversations, where nobody interrupts the lascivious punchline.

Social permission does not work through loud approval, but through quiet tolerance.

The issue is power and consent

Let me clear: Fantasies are human. Desire is human. Attraction is human. Men — just as women and other gender-diverse people — can find other people beautiful and alluring. The place to entertain your fantasy is in the quiet privacy of your head.

Having fantasies is not the issue. The issue is power.

What made Suntay’s remark inexcusable was not merely that Curtis was sexualized in a public hearing. It was the implication embedded within his comment, the casual assumption “na-imagine ko na lang kung ano p’wedeng mangyari” (I could just imagine what could happen.)

That suggestion carries an undercurrent that Curtis would somehow participate in, or welcome, whatever fantasy Suntay had imagined.

Consent was assumed, not asked for, because autonomy of choice was never considered. 

Women know this script well. Women’s bodily autonomy has long been the collateral damage of a man’s inflated ego. It is the same script that turns harassment into humor. The same script that frames inappropriate comments as “just admiration” or a “compliment.” The same script that tells women they are overreacting when they call it out.

Then come the apologies and excuses.

It was neither criminal nor immoral.  It all depends on personal interpretation. Some of Suntay’s latest comments claim that some of his male friends called him “idol.”

Idol.

Think about what that word implies. It means that somewhere, among a circle of men, the remark was not a cautionary tale. It was a punchline that deserves a high five, a pat on the back, a congratulatory handshake.

The men who say ‘not all men‘

Good men often believe that not participating in misogyny, harassment, or sexism is enough. But in a culture where casual sexism is the norm, the standard for being a good man is not just what you refuse to do. It is what you are willing to speak up against.

So I am not addressing this to Congressman Suntay. Public outrage will take care of him.

I am addressing this to the good men who are watching the fallout and thinking, “I would never say something like that.” 

That may be true. But my question to you is this: Would you say something when another man does?

Because the next act of misogyny will not happen in a government proceeding livestreamed to the public. It will happen in a classroom, a boardroom, a group chat, or at the dinner table. 

The actions of those who believe themselves to be good men will decide whether misogyny echoes — or stops right there in the room. – Rappler.com

Ana P. Santos is Rappler’s gender and sexuality columnist and host of the video series, Sex and Sensibilities. She has a postgraduate degree in Gender (Sexuality) from the London School of Economics and Political Science as a Chevening scholar.